After deciding to let the fear of the Barkley motivate me rather than scare me away, I realized how much I've been pussy-footin' around these past months. So many times I've waited too long to make a decision about whether or not to enter a race, only to find that the race had filled or I had missed the deadline by the time I decided to give it a hesitant whirl. I hate when my lack of decision-making ability determines my fate. I'd rather be master of my own destiny.
I've been directionless without goals. It's so easy to sleep in and not run or eat and not run when I don't have a race for which to train. I've been running for too long to know what to do with myself when running is not part of my lifestyle. Thing is, I'd gone and had the ankle surgery. It caused some problems. I screwed up by being too compulsive in my comback over the past year. I learned my lesson. The last time I "started back," I eased up and set some limits. Now, I am good and back. It's not that I am where I was before my surgery; I am far from it, and I still have "issues." BUT, I cannot let my fear of reinjury keep me from setting goals. I may not REACH the goals I set, but it is time for me to SET some goals and stop this pussy-footin' around.
So, I'm in the Barkley this year (thanks Rich baby for your "wise" guidance and thanks David for writing "Why my wife should be MADE to run the Barkley"). [If you don't know about the Barkley, it's not worth asking about. If you do know about the Barkley, you may have just lowered your opinion of me!] In any case, recent talk about the Barkley among entrants about compasses, blow downs, briars, ravines, chest-high river crossings, and the recommended weekly 30,000 feet of elevation change training, almost had me considering a DNS. How could I possibility even consider the Barkley since I haven't even been on a trail for over a year? What about my strength that has wasted away since giving up on my core exercises and weight lifting? What about the extra 5 pounds I'm carrying around on this small frame (and it ain't muscle weight)? I'm certain to twist my ankle again. I'm sure to hurt my back. Without a doubt I'll be cold and wet and sore and fatigued and......OH MY GOD! I realized what I was doing and I couldn't believe what I was hearing from between mine own ears!
Doubt and negativity and heaviness...and most of all FEAR. Fear of failure. Fear of mediocrity. Perhaps even fear of success. Oh, it was UGLY! So unlike me.
So, that's when I decided to let the fear motivate me rather than paralyze or excuse me.
So, I'm IN, with both feet! I'm heading out into the woods at Frozen Head State Park with the other chosen virgins and veterans on March 31st and I will do the best I can. I will do the training I can in the amount of time I have available, and I will not let indecisiveness or fear determine my fate. It's all good in me now with that decision. It's not that I am no longer afraid of reinjury or what may happen, it's that I have acknowledged that fear and will train to reduce all risks of "what may happen." I will let the fear push me forward toward my goal, not away. YA HA! Now, you're thinking like you usually do, Lisa! NOW, you are "BACK" for sure!
OK, SO...I had been sitting on the fence also about Badwater 2007. I wanted to run again last year but my ankle and lack of conditioning (yeah, blah, blah, blah) kept me from running. This year, there remains unknown territory about my ability to do better than I did in 2004. And I was waivering, wanting to enter but too scared to commit.
So, I beat my chest with my fist (no, not really), and I looked at myself in the mirror, and I thought long and hard about why I couldn't make a decision. In a matter of seconds, maybe 10 tops, I knew the answer. It was that gosh darn parasitic FEAR again! Argh! Once that was glaringly apparent, I knew what to do. I needed to apply for the race. So, I sat down and thoughtfully completed my application and I fired it off into cyberspace for the Badwater application committee's review.
It's funny how, after all these years of being at Badwater in some capacity, that I still got that nervous feeling when clicking the "submit" button.
SO, my Badwater application is in! I am thrilled. I already have my crew picked out and they have just been waiting for me to give them the confirmation that I will apply. I am good with my decision and I am at peace with my soul.
And NOW, NOW, I must TRAIN!
And that all said, I am now getting my ass out the door this very minute and am going for a hilly run with the boy. I may even venture out just a little onto some trails....
the fite dokter
Locusts: Part Two
5 weeks ago